Unhinged is Slate’s new advice column on the wild world of modern dating. Have a dating question of your own? Send it to Steffi here. It’s anonymous!
I’m not sure what the proper etiquette is for acknowledging that you’ve recognized a mildly famous person when you match with them on a dating app. This is now the third time this has happened to me. (I live in New York City, so I guess it comes with the territory.) I have met all these people on Hinge or Feeld, not Raya.
But also, they’re not really FAMOUS famous—just notable enough to have a Wikipedia page for their somewhat niche artistic work, which, to me, is the cutoff of whether a person is technically famous. In none of these cases has the semi-celebrity come out with an acknowledgement like, “Hi, I’m [name], and you might remember me from such books/movies/albums as blank”; in every case, I either recognized them directly or learned who they were through what I consider to be some very mild, innocent cyberstalking. For example, I will Google something like “name author” and see if I recognize my match among the results, or just type in the person’s first name and college into Facebook. (Is it creepy in general to Google one’s matches on a dating app? I just do it because it’s interesting—and never mention it because that’s creepy!)
Now I’m wondering, should I acknowledge that I recognize who they are before the date, or should I act surprised when it is revealed mid-date? One time I did the former and one time I did the latter, and the latter date was slightly better, even though neither date was what I would call “successful.” This all leaves me debating what to do with my third potential date, who is a semi-celebrity in a somewhat obscure artistic field that I happen to know something about. I am really excited about her and don’t want to screw it up!
Congratulations, you are currently living a life that millions of 14-year-olds have written truly disgusting fan fiction about on a little website called Archive of Our Own. No, she didn’t spot you in the crowd of her concert, but this is as close as it can get.
To answer your side question first, I don’t think it’s weird to look someone’s topline information up. Taking a poke through readily available content that they willingly share online is fair game. That’s just a part of life now. However, I do think anything further, say, rifling through their voter records and LinkedIn reposts kills the vibe a bit. The entire fun of dating is getting to know someone, and while some argue that the pre-date lurk saves time from heartache, I actually think you are wasting your own time by panning alone for digital dregs of information. Get to know a new person, and let yourself be surprised!
Celebrities are closer to us than ever before. People are getting famous for all kinds of reasons, and the previous social stratospheres of “A-lister Hollywood star” and “C-tier Wild ’N Out personality” are beginning to blur into a deeply shaded watercolor of stardom. The internet has provided a great equalizer for random strangers to become overnight sensations and for previously untouchable figures to do pretty pedestrian stuff. Twitch streamer Kai Cenat’s influence started a riot in Union Square, while former One Direction boy band member Zayn Malik kept getting booted off Tinder because people thought his profile was fake. There is now a wide-ranging class of successful, beloved public figures who would probably get stopped inside a Trader Joe’s, but not necessarily be considered a presidential-level security hazard to the establishment.
The good news is that this echelon of stars is sometimes just as startled as you are about being identified as public figures. “One time a fan DMed, ‘Not me seeing you on Hinge,’ and I blocked her, I’M SORRY I DID,” podcaster Deison Afualo, who co-hosts Headgum’s Two Idiot Girls with Drew Afualo, wrote to me when I asked for her thoughts. “Dating apps feel so humiliating for no reason, so being recognized does not help with that at all.”
That’s probably why these stars aren’t mentioning in their Feeld conversations that you can pick up a copy of their memoir at McNally Jackson, or stream their latest EP on Spotify. It’s just kind of awkward to give a disclaimer about your job on a personal platform that already takes some level of vulnerability to be on at all.
As I was pondering your question, I ran into the very same situation as you: I participated in comedians Jenny Arimoto and Mic Nguyen’s live dating show, Real-Asian-Ships, where I blind-dated three people in front of an audience. But one contestant was someone whose voice I recognized even as he stood behind a curtain—Andrew Fung, one half of the YouTube comedy duo the Fung Brothers, who were a huge part of my early high school years. So I told everyone that while standing up on stage. I think I was trying to soft-launch that our age gap would be a dealbreaker for me, so I leaned hard on the celebrity aspect to slam the brakes on any dating possibilities. Later, Fung told me that he gets that a lot when he’s dating, but not always with the same intention.
“It can make you feel like an unc, but I think some girls are into uncs, so it’s all good,” he joked. “It’s a little bit awkward if the person messaging opens up with, ‘Oh, I’m a really big fan, I’ve seen you for years. I’ve watched you growing up.’ It’s funny how it comes off, and it usually doesn’t make me want to date them more. But, on the other hand, it is nice for them to be aware and appreciate what I do already.”
He is also highly aware that he chose this life, so getting recognized in any context just comes with the territory. “When a person is a big fangirl, it doesn’t mean they want to date me either; they just want to let me know,” he said. “I just say, ‘Oh, thanks,’ and if they’re interested, they’ll usually continue the conversation. If not, cool, it’s better than nothing, so I just say thanks and just unmatch.”
Later this month, at a press junket for her collaboration with Wingstop, Love Island and Traitors star Maura Higgins also emphasized that humor is the most important aspect of dating for her.
“If they make me laugh, I’m probably gonna respond,” she told me. “I remember when I was on a dating app and one of my exes reached out to me. I ignored him, and then he messaged me again, but it was a funny message, and I responded. I was like, Oh, all right.”
Higgins, for the record, said she’s “been celibate for a year and a half,” so her advice is more theoretical than drawn from recent experience. “I haven’t, like, had a flirty conversation, I’ve not been on a date,” she clarified, but said she imagines if someone were to approach her, she wouldn’t want to know at first if her love interest knows about her being on Dancing With the Stars.
“I would rather just pretend you don’t know who I am,” she said. “Or maybe in time, you can go, ‘Oh, do you know what? I have a funny secret to tell you. I actually watched you on this.’ Because then we already get the vibe of each other.”
The thing about getting recognized, we discussed, is that it automatically brings work into the picture, and for public-facing figures, there is much more known about them than they know about you.
“They’re probably pre-judging, so it has to be a clean slate,” she said. “Tell me that after we’re dating for a while, but not right away.”
Afualo recommends largely following the timeless principle of treating stars like they’re normal people. “See if the vibe feels good and if things seem like they’re progressing to a first date, I feel like that would be a good time to admit that you are familiar with them,” she said, though she emphasized one condition: “Do it before the date—it’s weird to admit that on the date. It’s happened to me too many times.”
And Fung’s recommendation is to broach the subject briefly, before your first date, but in a way that really shows it’s not that serious to you. “I think it’d be funny if they opened with something that I’ve got going on, like ‘How’s Smálà [Fung’s chili-oil brand] going?’ ” he said. “I think showing you are aware but not a superfan is cool. I think it’s really about, for most people, that our work is respected more than all.”
Kelsey, a Colorado-based 28-year-old who asked to remain anonymous, told me that she briefly saw a folk singer she had previously been a fan of, but never told him she was already familiar with his work. She said she matched with him on a dating app and met him at his hotel before a show in Denver. “He was so kind and cool, and I wished we had more time before he had sound check,” she said. They played cards together, exchanged numbers and kept in touch, calling and FaceTiming, but she wanted something serious, and he was about to go on tour, so she hasn’t seen him since.
“I don’t think he ever knew I already knew who he was,” she said. “I played it as cool as can be, even though I absolutely had one or more songs on certain playlists over the years.”
So based on the data I’ve collected, Star-Struck Cypersleuth, here’s what I recommend you do: At some point in your already ongoing conversation, whether it’s just before your first date or on the date, I would sandwich a quick text or comment in the middle: “By the way, I forgot to tell you, I realized that I saw you on [insert project name here]!” Then follow that up immediately with a question about them, or move on to a totally different thread of conversation. Make sure you keep it lighthearted above all else. Your general tone should be, Isn’t this kind of silly? The point is to show her that you intend to get to know her as a person first, that you plan to show up wholly in the present, and that you won’t let her résumé shake how you view yourself, and therefore, the dance you are doing together. And remember, the same core tenets of dating still apply: know thyself, nothing in excess, and anyone can spot the difference between a cool person and a clout chaser from a mile away.